I thought this song, especially its lyrics, were particularly appropriate to the storm that my emotions are in regarding Britton. :)

"Wasted" Cinema Bizarre

I'm waiting all alone
I'm calling, but you're not home
I'm hating the way you make me feel
I'm saying you're to blame
I'm wondering did you feel the same
I'm hoping, do you feel this pain?
All my emotions are spinning in circles (in circles)

I've wasted all of my love on you
Don't try to rewind
I've made up my mind
I'm over you
I've tasted so many tears for you
Come look in my eyes
This is no disguise
I'm over you (over you)

You're jaded, and now you know you've faded
My heart's grown cold
You've waited, waited way too long
You treated me so wrong when I needed to belong
Now you hate it, hate it that I'm gone
All my emotions are spinning in circles (in circles)

I've wasted all of my love on you
Don't try to rewind
I've made up my mind
I'm over you
I've tasted so many tears for you
Come look in my eyes
This is no disguise
I'm over you (over you)

never thought I'd get away
I promise you it's over now
It's over now, it's over now
All my emotions are spinning in circles (in circles)

I've wasted all of my love on you
Don't try to rewind
I've made up my mind
I'm over you
I've tasted so many tears for you
Come look in my eyes
This is no disguise
I'm over you (over you)

My newest song-obsession. :) By a strange little German band called Tokio Hotel.

Down on You

Can I drive you home?
Can I crash into your life?
Can you fix my soul?
Can you break my heart tonight?

Some angels don't cry,
And we are, and we are
Just two of them,
And we're falling through the sky.
And tonight...

I get down on you, get down on you;
Blessed kisses waiting.
I get down on you, get down on you;
Foreign wishes fading.
Running 'till your arms drop;
Dreams, they're a point of view.
I get down, down, down to get up on you.
I get down on you, get down on you.

Can I fill you up with my emptiness tonight?
Can I hold your hand as we slip into the light?
'Cause angels fall down,
And we are, and we are
Just two damaged souls,
But it's heaven where we lie.
And tonight...

I get down on you, get down on you;
Blessed kisses waiting.
I get down on you, get down on you;
Foreign wishes fading.
Running 'till your arms drop;
Dreams, they're a point of view.
I get down, down, down to get up on you.
I get down on you, get down on you.

We are, we are
Angels, angels don't cry
We are, we are
Two souls collide
We are, we are
Come into night.

I get down on you, get down on you;
Blessed kisses waiting.
I get down on you, get down on you;
Foreign wishes fading.
Running 'till your arms drop;
Dreams, they're a point of view.
I get down, down, down to get up on you.
I get down on you, get down on you.

Can I drive you home?
Can I crash into your life?
Can you fix my soul?
Can you break my heart tonight?

Lost what, you ask? Many things, among them, some very important people.

I've lost Britton, the man/boy I loved and still love. Still love deeply. Our relationship is dead and buried, deep, deep under the ground. And though I've accepted this, it pains me everyday.

I've lost my sister; we all have. Despite that, and the things she's done, I love her and hate the fact that our relationship is broken. But there comes a point where you have to separate yourself from the situation and person to spare your own sanity and well-being. If she ever really needs my help, I will be there for her, but for now, for both our sakes, it's better to keep distance.

My cousin is next on the list. We lost her the moment she started dating her current boyfriend. He isolated her from us, and she let him. It hurts to see her wasting her life with him, but there's nothing anyone can do. She has to want to change things, and she doesn't.

I also fear I'm losing one of my best friends, and after experiencing the loss of a good friend a few years ago, the thought terrifies me. Times when we used to sit in our old history teacher's room during lunch (sometimes with Britton, too), even just hugging her--I miss terribly. Over seven years we've been friends, and I liked the fact that I saw her almost everyday. And the sad thing is that we're both too busy to keep in touch regularly.

Then there's Anyu, my maternal grandmother, who, despite losing thirteen years ago, I sometimes still wish she were here. She was the best and kindest person I knew, but I truly believe that she is my family's guardian angel. We've been lucky, and I know it's because she's keeping an eye on us.

And finally, most important of all, there was a brief, terrifying moment during which I thought I would lose my father. His recent illness really hit it home for me; the people in your life, those you love and care about, are what keep you grounded and bring you back from the brink, even if you're a recluse like me.

I fancy myself Wonder Woman, relatively strong and resilient, but it's times like these that I wish I weren't alone. It's times like these I need not to wake up alone in the morning or not to come home to an empty, quiet house. Times like these that I'm achingly lonely.

But I'll get through this, like I've gotten through every other hiccup in the past few years. Humankind is tough and adaptive, able to mold and change and survive, even thrive. It just might take a little while.

The final poem in the trilogy.

"Four Seasons"
When I first met you,
You were like the relief one gets from April rain;
Effervescent in your attitude,
Anomalous in everything else...
You were different,
You were new,
And you made me feel absolutely beautiful.

When I realized I was in love with you,
You were like the July sun;
bright and looming, the first thing my eyes went to,
Overwhelming, you were once in a while,
Consuming my time and free space in my mind.
And then there were those summer rains,
Those monsoons of magnificence,
Those hazy pink-gray skies,
Those showers of layers,
Of diaphanous folds and glorious textures in your personality.

When our love was set and rolling,
You were like the falling leaves of autumn:
Colorful, varied, and spell-binding.
I could roam through your expanses endlessly
And never fail to be amazed by the sound, feel, and taste of you.

When our love began to crack,
You were like the harsh treks through snow;
I could barely hold you before I burned with uncharacteristic coldness.
I didn't want to leave you,
Because I knew I needed you,
But was I strong enough to handle the chill?
I stayed...and still I stay...
Knowing that one day there will be warmth,
Knowing that spring will come again.

Yet another song I wrote.

"Worth It"
You have my heart inside your hand;
Please don't crush me where I stand;
A part of me is lost in you,
A part of me I thought I knew.
Never thought I'd fall in love again;
All that pain and time to mend;
Sleepless nights and broken hearts:
Forgotten now, with this burning spark.

Every tear that I have shed,
Every word that I have said,
Every drop of blood I've bled:
All was worth it in the end
For this chance to love again.

Fragile dream, when I hold you tight,
Dance with you under the pale moonlight;
If I could, I would take the stars
And lay them down to light our path;
Never thought I'd love again;
All that pain and time to mend,
Sleepless nights and broken hearts:
Worth it now, with this burning spark.

Every tear that I have shed,
Every word that I have said,
Every drop of blood I've bled:
All was worth it in the end
For this chance to love again.

Something I wrote a while ago.

"With You"
I stand by the window,
Looking down at the city that's long been awake;
The rain falls down;
The streets are gray.
Not so long ago, you were still here.

But I still feel you;
I still miss you.
If only you'd come back;
If only you'd be here.

With you. everything's different;
This silent house would be filled with sound;
If you were to return,
Everything would be different.

The road is hard and never-ending;
The rain falls down;
The sky is full of a thousand clouds.
Not so long ago, you embraced me.

But I still feel you;
I still miss you.
If only you'd come back;
If only you'd be here.

With you, everything's different;
This silent house would be filled with sound;
If you were to return,
Everything would be different.

So this guy and I have been talking online recently, and I must admit, I was incredibly skeptical in the beginning that any sort of meaningful conversation would be possible with him. He never struck me as that type; instead he seemed more like a superficial jerk. Lately, however, my views have been changing. We've had some deep, emotional conversations. He's listened when no one else was around. I've listened when no one else was around. But most importantly, he actually cared, which shocked me for a myriad of reasons. I hadn't seen the kid since junior prom, and we'd only just recently started talking. He was patient and let me vent about things Britton brushed aside towards the end of our relationship. And then tonight we had a long talk. He told me he was trying to better himself, to amend wrongs he did in the past, to apologize to the people he'd hurt. He's trying to take control of his life and do something good. I've never, ever heard a man not only admit his mistakes so readily, let alone begin changing them for the better. It's ironic that someone I thought was a good person turned out to be a dick, and the person I thought was a dick turned out to be a good person.

I was amazed and touched by this. It made me so happy. It's instances like these that it's a joy to be proven wrong.

After seeing X-Men Origins: Wolverine three times, I still can't satisfy my desire to see Remy Lebeau/Gambit. While I realize that comic purists scorn upon the movie in general and upon Gambit's portrayal, I think Taylor Kitsch captured Gambit's dry and charming persona fairly well. Though I am not comic enthusiast. I am, however, completely head over heels for that "cat." He's so cute, and he's got one hell of a body to boot. I've even started watching the football-centric show he's in, Friday Night Lights, just to catch glimpses of him. Those green eyes that are simultaneously lustful and tortured. That cocky smirk. That finely toned body that's both threatening and soft. I can't get enough! While I can't deny Hugh Jackman's incredible appeal, Taylor Kitsch's eyes and smile have stolen my heart.

                                                                         

I'm barely getting by. Everyday is a struggle. An endless battle to wake up and get out of bed, to do something productive with my life. I'd rather lie in bed all day, but life intervenes. It keeps me sane. I'm clutching at the seams of happiness, but they're unraveling in my hands. I try not to sink into the debilitating sadness that lurks just around the bend, watching and waiting to snatch me up and drag me down. Thus far I'm victorious, but for how long? And at what cost? I'm already so tired, and keeping up this charade, this fight, is wearing me down even more. I can't stop thinking about how things could be, how I want them to be, how they should be. I suppose even now I have a sliver of optimism. Though where is it getting me? Nowhere. Where has it gotten me? Here, to this broken, torn girl, who's proud if she's gotten through the day without tears. The void that he once filled is back, but it's much bigger and deeper than before. When he left, a chunk of my heart went with him. It'd taken a few beatings and seen its share of bruises, but it endured, until now. Everyday it hurts, just this dull ache that becomes sharp and acute at random intervals during the day. It feels like my heart's been broken into a dozen pieces then thrown on the floor for good measure, to make sure it's really broken. He changed me, in good ways and bad ways. I used to be cynical, but his innocence took that away. I adopted his sense of optimism. His warmth made me a more feeling person, which is really, really inconvenient now, but then it was refreshing. I became warmer, too. He made me feel safe and loved, and strangely, there's still a part of me that feels comfortable, despite all that's happened. He's seen all of me, the good and the bad, and even the worst. In so many ways, he knows me better than anyone outside my family.

It was two years--two of the best and worst years of my life. Mundane things, like errands, were better with him, and the truly profound things wouldn't have been the same without him. I loved him like I love my family, and I envisioned a life together. We envisioned a life together...or so I thought. The crazy and masochistic part of all this is that I'm still deeply in love with him. Everything he's said, everything he's done and hasn't done--all forgiven. Perhaps it's premature to say this, but I think he will always occupy a large and special place in my heart. He's done some terrible things, but I think I will always love him. How can I not? He had a hand in making me who I am today, and not just in the bad ways.

The title of this post, btw, is something Maria says as she's leaving the Abbey to go to work for the von Trapps in The Sound of Music. I thought it an apt subject line.

I've recently rediscovered my love for Lord of the Rings, and as I was perusing Tolkien's poetry, I came across "Durin's Song" again, which happens to be one of my all-time favorite poems. It chronicles the awakening of Durin, a Dwarf king, and his exploration and reign in ancient Middle-Earth, before it saw evil.

The world was young, the mountains green,
No stain yet on the world was seen,
No words were laid on stream or stone,
When Durin woke and walked alone.
He named the nameless hills and dells;
He drank from yet untasted wells;
He stooped and looked in Mirrormere
And saw a crown of stars appear,
As gems upon a silver thread,
Above the shadow of his head.

The world was fair, the mountains tall,
In Elder days before the fall
Of mighty kings in Nargothrond
And Gondolin, who now beyond
The Western Seas have passed away:
The world was fair in Durin's Day.

A king he was on carven throne
In many-pillared halls of stone,
With golden roof and silver floor
And runes of power upon the door.
The light of sun and star and moon
In shining lamps of crystal hewn,
Undimmed by cloud or shade of night,
There shone forever, fair and bright.

The hammer on the anvil smoke,
There chisel clove and graver wrote;
There forged was blade and bound was hilt;
The delver mined, the mason built.
There beryl, pearl, and opal pale
And metal wrought like fishes' mail,
Buckler and corslet, axe and sword
And shining spears were laid in horde.

Unwearied then were Durin's folk,
Beneath the mountains, music woke:
The harpers harped, the minstrels sang,
And at the gates, the trumpets rang.

The world is gray, the mountains old,
The forge's fire is ashen-cold;
No harp is wrung, no hammer falls:
The darkness dwells in Durin's halls;
The shadow lies upon his tomb
In Moria, in Khazad-dum.
But still the sunken stars appear
In dark and windless Mirrormere;
There lies his crown in water deep,
Till Durin wakes again from sleep.

"Fly me to the moon;
Let me play among the stars;
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars.

In other words,
Hold my hand;
In other words,
My darling, kiss me.

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for evermore;
You are all I long for,
All I worship and adore.

In other words,
Please be true;
In other words,
I love you."

Was it an angel that knocked on my door?
Or was it the wind?
Was I still sleeping, lost in a dream?
Or was it you?

We swam in the fountains beneath the northern stars;
We cried from the laughter and died in each other's arms.

Remember...
And live forever.
Remember...
To live for love.

I got back my letters ages ago,
Your address unknown.
I passed a stranger who had your eyes,
Or was it you?

We ran through the graveyard to catch the midnight sun;
We danced drunk and naked until the summer was gone.

Remember...
And live forever.
Remember...
To live for love.
Remember...
To live for love.

...Is the title of The Rasmus' new album. However, as it is yet to be released in the United States (it's out everywhere else...), I've had to resort to listening to it online on "Cool Music Zone..." Here's my take on it:

1. "Livin' in a World Without You" is a synth-heavy song that is reminiscent of the 80s. That's not a bad thing. Initially, I was undecided about this song, but the more I listened to it, the more it grew on me. It's catchy, as most of The Rasmus' songs are. Mildly poppy, it has a driving force that is also common in The Rasmus' songs. Powerful lyrics.

2. "Ten Black Roses" was written back when The Rasmus first began playing in Finland, and the lyrics sort of reflect that. Though Lauri (lyricist and frontman) undoubtably revised the lyrics, they're not up to par with the rest of the lyrics on this album. Despite that, it's one of my favorites; I love the voilins and cellos in the background. Beautiful and powerful.

3. "Ghost of Love" begins eerily, but then morphs into a heavy guitar riff. A bittersweet, sad song, it reflects that classic Finn melancholy that is so rampant in so much of Finnish music. Personally, I love it. This song is particularly poignant for me--especially the lyrics. One of the top songs.

4. "Justify" is slow, sad song that's tear-inducing. Very melodic and wrought with emotion. It's beautiful.

5. There are parts of "Your Forgiveness" that I like a lot and parts that I don't. I like the lyrics, though they're somewhat unhappy, they're also well-written. I'm not too fond of the chorus.

6.  "Run to You" is a strange song, because it has so many different vibes musically. It starts out heavy, then when Lauri starts singing, it's very light, until the chorus, which resembles the beginning. It's not a very fast song, and I tend to like fast songs, but the refrain/solo is melodic and pretty.

7. Probably my favorite song on the album, "You've Got it Wrong" is an angry, powerful piece about breaking away from a harmful, controlling person (cult?). It's fast, and you just can't help but like it. It exemplifies The Rasmus' changing music style well.

8. "Lost and Lonely" is another great song. It opens with powerful, epic strings that morph into a dark refrain about losing someone. A melodic and rather pretty chorus follows. This song really awakens latent emotions and feelings. 

9. "The Fight" is one of the songs that I'm not very familiar with, having only listened to it a couple times. It begins with drums and a strange, slightly folk-sounding guitar. And it doesn't get much better afterward. Not one of The Rasmus' strongest. Although, it showcases Lauri's vocal range.

10.  "Dangerous Kind" begins with a very 80s sound. And that 80s sound stays for the rest of the song. I will admit it's strange to hear The Rasmus meshing 80s synths into their rock, but despite the startling uniqueness of this song, I like it.

11. And finally, Black Roses concludes with "Live Forever," a slow, melancholic song about losing each other yet still living forever in each other's memories. It's a beautiful song with an even more beautiful message. "Remember to live forever. Remember to live for love."

The Rasmus' 8th studio album is not a disappointment. In fact, it's their best yet. Check it out...if you can, haha.

Yeah, you read that correctly. America has, for the most part, a really God-awful music scene--consisting of mostly rap and hip-hop. I absolutely despise those "music" genres.

But that's not even the biggest reason why it sucks to be in America--the majority of the bands I like are from Scandinavia and are virtual unknowns here. That little tid-bit makes procuring their albums rather difficult. Case in point, The Rasmus' new single, "Livin' in a World Without You." It's not out here in America AT ALL, but it's been out everywhere else for a week. It's only a single, I know, but when you've been waiting for new material from one of your favorite bands, it's a big deal. And then there's Negative--another Finnish band. Does anyone know of them in America? Nope. Impossible to find stuff--have to order or get illegally.

I felt like venting. I'm finished now. I actually did get some new stuff by The Rasmus and Negative, incidentally. :)

...is a big, fat lie.

Happily ever after is a myth, a naive string of words that fairy tales and Disney have introduced to us. Those stories never delve into the unpleasant aspect once the princess has found her Prince Charming. Happily ever after doesn't exist, especially not in this day and age, when the rate of divorces has skyrocketed, and the rate of marriages has plummeted. And yet, knowing this, I still hold on to the faintest glimmer of idyllic hope that I, like Cinderella, will find my own "happily ever after," my own Prince Charming. How many frogs do I have to kiss before one becomes my prince? How many men in tarnished suits of armor do I have to sift through before my knight in shining armor rides up on his white horse and whisks me away?

It's foolish to think these thoughts, I know, but it's how I get by. These girlish fantasies sustain me and keep me from teetering toward cynicism. It'd be all too easy to embrace my natural Hungarian pessimism and become fatalistic. I have my stories, my books, my escapes from the often-times-harsh reality.

A tumultuous storm of indecision rages within me. It has thus been translated into words in the form of this conflicted piece of literature. I want to believe and hold out for my Prince Charming, but what will it cost me? I'm impatient--I want him now. I want the next "frog" I kiss to be my prince. I want a transformation that only magic can bring. I want my happy ending.

By The Rasmus.

The first single from the new album is out, in video form, at least. And I just had to write about it--it surprised me so much.

Usually I have a very strong opinion about things, good or bad. Usually I can say, without hesitation, what I think of something. But, like HIM's most recent album, The Rasmus' new song, "Livin' in a World Without You," has stumped me. I've got to say, Finns like to change their sound with every album. "Looking for their sound," they say. Well I think The Rasmus found it with Hide from the Sun; HIM with Love Metal. But they just couldn't stick to it. Nope.

The Rasmus' previous album, Hide from the Sun, was great. Just enough melancholy to satisfy the Finn Goth quota (a staple in all Finnish rock--ironically, a happy thing for me), the prefect melodies, and even, dare I say, near-perfect lyrics that rival and possibly surpass HIM's. Hide from the Sun was a masterpiece in music. I can't praise it enough.

And "Livin' in a World Without You"? Well, it sounds suspiciously like a song from Hide from the Sun. Recyclable melodies? Hmm. There's much less guitar and much more synth. Has an aspect of techno. And yet that famous Finn melancholy is there. In fact, the entire song is melancholic. The lyrics are average. I'd thought Lauri Ylonen (lead singer and lyric-writer) had finally broken out of the strange/incorrect phrasings of Playboys and Dead Letters. Ah well. The message, however, is empowering, if harsh. The title's misleading. And finally, Lauri's vocals. They're good, still that raspy quality that's so Lauri. In a strange way, he's endearing. Except for the fact that...

...Lauri went blonde...again. It makes me nervous--he was blonde during The Rasmus' early years, when they couldn't figure out what genre they were: rock or rock/rap... Then during Dead Letters, he dyed his hair black, and it stayed black...until now. And let me tell you something: Lauri is not a very attractive man, but with black hair, he was cute. With this blonde hair...he's...I don't know the word. But it's not a good one, that's for sure.

After listening to the song about 6 times, I finally have an opinion. Though there are aspects I don't like (the softer, slightly techno sound), as a whole, I like it. Perhaps it's just my loyalty to the band, perhaps not. We'll see September 26th, when Black Roses is released. I wish them luck; Hide from the Sun and Dead Letters are hard competition.

Holy shit. Today was AMAZING! I don't even care about writing this well. I'm just too happy to really care about my writing at the moment.

Britton was great, so sweet. He was amazing, like he used to be. We've been through a lot, but somehow we've gotten through it all. He was so sweet today. I'm so happy! :)

Yay! I had a GREAT day. :)

Lately, I have been wanting to escape this not-so-ideal world, to take part in another one. While that is, as of now, impossible, it doesn't stop me from wishing.

You see, there is this world. It's called Xanth. It's magic, of course. But not in the "Harry Potter" way. No one wanders around, wooden stick in hand, reciting spells. No. Instead, each person has his/her own magical talent, i.e. seeing in the dark, speaking to the inanimate, healing oneself, etc. Xanth is magic. Magic is Xanth. Basically, Xanth and magic are interchangeable. Magic is what makes Xanth work, just like gravity is what makes Earth (Mundania) work. Magic affects everything in Xanth, even love. The bonds of friendships and romantic relationships are stronger, even unbreakable, because of the magic. The people are (usually) incredibly honorable (sometimes too honorable...), and doing some of the things that boyfriends/spouses do in our world is completely unnatural and unimaginable to Xanthian-boyfriends/spouses. Magic makes relationships last, and even saves relationships that originate in our world, as one of the novels chronicles. It's ideal, it's slightly naive, and it's glorious. And I long for it.

Maybe the magic of Xanth could save my relationship. It's fanciful to wish that, yes, but it's also comforting to know that such a place exists, even if only in the imagination of the talented Piers Anthony and his readers. Yet it's also frustrating. You can be sure that if Xanth were real, I would be the first in line to visit. And I would drag Britton with me. The magic would knock some sense into that obdurate head of his.

So give me Dorothy's ruby-red slippers, and I'll click my heels together three times and wish to go to Xanth.

"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore."

No, but we're in a far better place.

 Disturb's "Facade" lyrics:

No one knows just what has become of her,
Shattered doll, desperate,
Oh so innocent and delicate,
But too damn obdurate and obstinate
To let go.

Broken down, hurt again, it never ends,
Frightened and trembling,
Did she fall again? An accident?
Her eyes encircled in black again;
I can't believe she's still with him.

For how will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can't disguise the fact that you're in misery.

Look inside, see what has become of her,
Hiding within again,
Can she pick herself up again?
It's just too difficult and arduous to let go.

Homicide flashes through her mind again;
No more pain, take control;
If he raises his hand again,
She'll find her freedom in killing him;
The world will see that she's had enough.

For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
Your facade can't disguise the fact that you're in misery.

For how long will you try?
How long until you walk away?
From the look in your eyes I know you bleed internally.

Broken down, hurt again,
It never ends.

So it's 6:30 PM here in Budapest (that's the capital of Hungary, for all you ignorant people), and it's pretty much as cloudy as it can get. There's going to be a big storm, from the looks and sounds of it. Hopefully the storm'll make it cool down tomorrow, because I plan to walk around all day.

Currently, I'm watching an unknown American show translated into Hungarian. That about tells you how good it is.

Earlier I was watching, in Hungarian of course, The Ghost Whisperer-that new show with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Year after year, that actress grows on me. The show's surprisingly not half-bad. At least it's not boring.

Wow...cable's flipping out because of the storm. Oh, and now it just died, haha. Joy. Well, guess that's the signal to pop in a movie. Or I Love Lucy, haha. Now I wish I'd brought That 70s Show. Or Gilmore Girls. They makes me miss Britton.

And on that front...things are better. We have reconciled (for the umpteenth time), and I've gotta say, "Kat, you were right."

On Thursday my mom and I are going to take a train to Vienna for the day. It's only a 2.5 hour trip from Budapest. I've never been there, so I'm excited.

Yesterday my mom and I went to Gundel, a restaurant that's been around since the 1800s. It's fairly expensive; the lunch cost us about $100. But it was worth it. We only go once a summer, so it's not a big deal. Haha, I tasted venison (deer) for the first time. Now I can truly say I've had and don't like it. It was really gamey, which is what venison's supposed to taste like.

TV's back. Gilmore Girls is on after the unknown American show. It's in Hungarian, but it's better than nothing.

9 days until I go back to FL.

-Ariana